Devil's Choke Hold
by Autore Raita
Summary: How does one keep their tight grasp on happiness when it seems so intent on leaving, and pain; so intent on staying? Sawada Tsunayoshi remembers all his demons. He tries so hard to but he cannot forget. Oneshot.


Author's Note : It's been a while. This is me poking around to see if Fanfiction is still for me. I hope you enjoy this. :)

* * *

Happiness is fleeting. In that very moment, you revel in it. You treasure it. You tell yourself that this, you will not let go; will not alllow yourself to forget. But happiness is fleeting. It slips through your hands nonetheless. And in the years to come, these memories fade away. Like smoke, fading out of your mind in wisps until barely a shadow of them remains.

Anger. Sadness. Guilt. These emotions are _demons._ They slip into your mind without you knowing and form crevices for themselves to live in. The harder you to try to shove them away, they stronger their claws dig into you. When you are at your best and when you are at your worst; they wrench you into their hold at the most unpredictable moments and refuse to let you go.

How does one keep their tight grasp on happiness when it seems so intent on _leaving_ , and pain; so intent on _staying_?

* * *

Sawada Tsunayoshi remembers all his demons. _He tries so damn hard to but he cannot forget._

* * *

Tsunayoshi was once a child. Once innocent, once willful and once incapable of making the right judgement.

At the age of five, the kindergarten Mama had enrolled him was filled with many children. Children that Tsuna just knew led so much better lives. Akane-chan who was in the same class as him had a bedroom full of stuffed toys and her parents always bought more whenever she wanted. Daiki-kun who sat next to him had all the best and most expensive video games anyone could possibly hope for. Yuki-chan's parents always brought her to watch all the movies she wanted. Mikan-chan did not have to take swimming classes because she told her parents she hated them and they relented. Takashi-kun could stay out as late as he wanted and his parents would never be mad at him.

Tsunayoshi envied them for what they had and was unable to see the precious things that he himself held. He _hated_ Mama for not buying him the toys he wanted, for not letting him stay out to play with friends and insisting on packing lunch for him rather than allowing him to go along with the other kids who always bought neat looking sweets together.

Five year old Tsunayoshi decided that Mama was a big meanie and if he wanted to go have sweets with the others, no one should be able to stop him. And so young Tsunayoshi sneaked money off of Mama's wallet when she was not watching for months in order to have fun with the other children.

 _Sixteen year old Tsunayoshi passed by a sweets shop he remembered from his childhood, and flinched at the remembrance of his own ugliness. He shoved the bitter thoughts of how disappointed Nana would be if she knew away and forced a smile on as he continued listening to the ramblings of his excited Storm Guardian._

* * *

At ten years old, Tsunayoshi had begun to resemble the vulnerable young man he would become before Reborn's arrival. He struggled in his grades and faced trouble in getting along with his peers. He was constantly teased for his lack of a father figure and tendency to break into tears over the smallest things.

Ten year old Tsunayoshi _hated them._ Their judgements, their teasing as well as how they always did _better_ than him _._

And so when his group of friends jokingly called him Dame-Tsuna for the first time, Tsunayoshi snapped. He shoved them aside, cried that they did not understand and even used the bad words that Mama had insisted were extremely mean and should not be used.

That was the last time any of them ever spoke to him.

 _And so for the years to come, whenever Tsunayoshi found himself yearning for the company of others, he remembered this exact moment and just knew that he was too quick to anger, too quick to hate and entirely undeserving of friends._

 _At the age of fourteen, when his words drives Yamamoto to work until he is injured and to even attempt at suicide, he swallows thickly and just knows that he should have shut up and left everyone alone because the people around him did not deserve to suffer from his flaws._

 _Yamamoto heals, sticks around and eventually becomes one of the best friends Tsuna could ever have._

 _But it matters not because another demon has sunk his claws into him. And whenever Tsuna passes by a baseball court he cannot help but cringe in memory of what he had done. He swallows bitterly and thinks back on how even after so many years he was still unable to become the better person he had hoped to be._

* * *

At twelve years old, Tsunayoshi found himself witnessing a boy in his class being bullied.

He stood rooted to the ground, face pale with fear. He knew, _oh he knew all to well,_ _that he was supposed to be helping the boy because the boy was getting hurt and he didn't deserve to be hurt and if Tsunayoshi could help then he was supposed to be helping him!_

But twelve years old Tsunayoshi only watched in shock, the fear of being subjected to the same treatment as the boy holding him back.

The memories of being hurt and being incapable of fighting back had been beaten so thoroughly into his bones that he had lost the fight before it even begun.

And as Hibari Kyouya, the famous boy in the neighbourhood appeared out of nowhere and trashed the bullies with ease, Tsunayoshi's shoulders sunk with shame at the disgusted look sent his way.

 _At fifteen years old Tsunayoshi rushes into battle with a yell of "PROTECT HIM WITH DYING WILL" as he sends the boys bullying a young Irie Shouichi flying. Moments later as his family is celebrating his feat, Tsuna clenches his fists in shame at the thought that he was only able to rush forward with the aid of the Dying Will Bullet._

* * *

At eighteen years old, Sawada Tsunayoshi is losing against his demons.

The fight for the Arcobaleno's freedom has long concluded and everything seems to being going well. It is at moments of peace like this that his demons are showing up on the forefronts of his mind with every opportunity they get.

He attends school with the people he loves, shares many jokes and laughter with them and is awed by how lucky he is to have them. But with every happy thought spreading through him, the bad memories seems to show up with even greater viciousness, leaving the happiness to fade away as though it never existed.

A passing thought that he might not have saved a particular school project in his hard drive properly keeps him on edge all day and he panics and fears destroying the hard work he'd done with everyone. _The thought of failing and losing the people important to him once more chills him to his bones and Tsunayoshi struggles to keep the smile on his face even as he can barely breath._

He returns home to find that the work was properly saved and his worries were for naught but that matters little because the end of one worry only brings out another worry to consume him _so much so that fear becomes a constant._

They take over his every thought, his every action. Sleep becomes hard to reach. Negative thoughts flood his mind each night before he eventually succumbs to exhaustion only to jerk awake with a face wet with tears from another nightmare of the past.

Eighteen years old Tsunayoshi stands with his shoulder hunched further than it has ever been. His hands tremble as he wipes them shakily against his jacket and the bags around his eyes only seem to increase with each day.

But if nothing, Tsunayoshi was always a good actor, and none of his guardians suspect his reassurance that he has only been up trying to complete this new video game he really loves.

Reborn watches him with a glint in his eyes and Tsunayoshi has no doubts that he already knows.

But perhaps even Reborn thought his fears only reflected that he was _selfish and weak and did not think him deserving of help._

* * *

"Jyuudaime? Everyone has already arrived at the party! Is everything alright? Are you making your way here fine? If you need I can-"

Nineteen years old Tsunayoshi exhales shakily, forcing on a cheerful tone, "It's fine, Gokudera-kun. Don't worry. I'm reaching soon. Wait for me with everyone, okay?"

"Of course Jyuudaime! We are your guardians after all!" Gokudera gushes with excitement into the phone, "We shall await for your arrival! Please take care on your way here!"

With a loud beep, the call is cancelled and Tsunayoshi's smile falls away.

Burying his head into his knees, Tsunayoshi breaths deeply.

Fear is irrational and at the very moment, fear was engulfing him down to his very nerves. His thoughts has been so consumed by his demons that he no longer knows what exactly it was that made him so afraid.

Briefly, he entertains the idea of ending it all but he knows bitterly that he is too much of a coward to even try and end his own life. Swallowing thickly, he forces himself to stand up and smile because among all of his fears, he knows the greatest is to be lonely again.

Even if he knew for sure that Dame-Tsuna would strike once more for sure and drive everyone away soon.

 _ **I'm sorry.**_

 _ **Please don't leave me.**_

 _~Fin~_

* * *

Author's note : I know its a little exaggerated that Tsuna fears being left behind for a simple project work being lost but that's how far the depression has taken him. I hope you enjoyed the fanfiction. Leave me a review if you did. :)

(If you dislike listening to Authors ramble about their personal lives then this is where you should stop reading.)

If you've read my fanfictions that you will know that whenever I write a more negative fanfiction I try to give the characters closure, be it by allowing the characters to vent out their frustrations or find a better place where they finally belong to.

Most of the time when I write angst, it usually reflect what I've been going through and when I give the character's closure I find myself breathing a little easier as well. When I do this I hope that my readers go through the same emotions as they read and at the end, are also able to breath easier.

These days I find myself a little more surrounded by negative thoughts. Happy moments with the people I love don't take them away but only seem to distract me from it for the shortest amount of time. I'm not sure if anyone faces the same problem.

Devil's Choke Hold ends this way because I genuinely don't know how it is possible to fix this.

If anyone could suggest a happy ending for Tsuna I would love to take suggestions. :)


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